Saturday, December 31, 2011

Walking Away

I wrote this a little over a month ago. I wanted people to read it but it felt too intimate at the time to let everyone read so I published it on my Facebook in order to share how I was feeling with friends and family. Yesterday was my last day at OM USA. After a three month transition, leaving  for the last time was kind of anti-climatic. However, in trying to process, this note still describes it best. So I think I'm ready to share with everyone:

"Walking Away"

It occured to me today that every time I've left somewhere I've been escaping.
Leaving my Mom to escape my step-dad,
Leaving my Grandma because she was too sick to take care of me anymore,
Leaving my Aunt to go live with my Dad (in hindsight, that probably wasn't a good move),
Leaving in the middle of the night with my step-mom, brother and sister to escape my dad (that is what is known as a rock and a hard place),
Leaving my step-mom to go back to my mom,
Moving in with the man who would become my husband,
Leaving the man who became my ex-husband,
Leaving Summerville and coming to Newnan for a "new life"

A lot of drama, a lot of running away. These are just a few...

Every job I've ever left has been to get away from something I didn't like or find something better.

I was escaping danger, negativity, conflict, boredom, difficult relationships...I didn't just leave...I To be honest there are probably times I didn't need to run but I did because by that time it was such a habit.

Fight or flight...means run unless there is something grabbing a hold of you. Then fight till it lets go. Then run!

Oh...sometimes I'm amazed at the work God has done in my life! Days like today when I look back, shake my head, and marvel He bothered! I'm overwhelmed.

However, I think I also figured something out.

It's easier to run. The need to escape means there are no second thoughts, no desire to stay, nothing to lose and everything to gain. And in this instance I'm not escaping fact, I really like what I have. My comfortable home, good job, community and friends. This has been stable and safe and wonderful. The people at OM know me and most of them love me. The others like me or put up with me! (lol) I love this place. I love this life.

So why am I leaving? Because God says so. Like He told Abraham to pack up and leave and He was going to show Him the land that would belong to his descendants for generations. Abraham at some point had to have gone "But I've got a good thing going here...why do I need to go there?" And God said "Cuz I said so" God had plans for Abraham. God has plans for me. For Bree. For Trey. And those plans mean we have to leave. We're not running. We're walking away. We're letting go. And it is so hard.

I think this must be what leaving home feels like.

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