It's small talk.
So, if you don't really want to know...if you want to hear "fine"...then now is time to stop reading. And I can't promise this isn't going to come across as whining though I'll try really hard to stop short of that...and I promise not to sink into self-pity.
So I'm six weeks into this transition period. Which makes me happy. Halfway there.
Then I get to thinking if the next six weeks is like the first six weeks, I'm in trouble.
And I remember we are moving in a little over a week.
If I'm not careful, I start to panic.
The other day I was reading my devotional and it talked about Jesus walking with us and living in us. I was so tired I almost skimmed that without it really hitting me. I went back and re-read. And pondered. Jesus in us and walking along side us. Strengthening us, guiding us.
When I focus on that, I'm good. Kind of like Peter, walking on water. The Bible says he saw the wind. He didn't just hear it. He saw it. He lost his focus. Despite what people think, I don't think he ever lost his faith in Jesus. He lost his faith in himself. He suddenly didn't feel like he could do what Jesus had called him to do. As soon as he started to sink, he cried out to Jesus to save him. And Jesus did. If he'd lost his faith in Jesus he would have tried to swim rather than reaching out and taking Jesus' hand.
There's been a few times I have felt myself sinking...it has nothing to do with the calling. I know I've been called to leave OM and go to Wellspring. And it is a good thing. But sometimes I lose focus. Trying to work two jobs, go to school and be a Mom to two kids takes a lot of hours and energy. And I don't have enough of either.
I've figured out there is different stages of tired. There's sleepy...like normal. Then there is silly sleepy...where you feel kind of drunk and everything is funny. Then there is snarly sleepy...this is ugly. My kids have seen this too many times the past few weeks. My supervisor (Jane) at OM saw it the other day and held me accountable. After snarly comes sleepy giddy...this is different than silly sleepy because you are just totally out of it and feeling light headed. Your brain can't stop racing but you have no energy to do anything.
Being tired does not help the emotions either! This is a looonnnggg transition. I think it would have been a bit easier emotionally if it had been shorter. Instead I'm on this emotional roller coaster that keeps going and going. You know how roller coasters are...there is a reason the ride is short. Short ride means thrills and squeals, your belly flopping and your adrenaline rushing. You get off wishing it had lasted longer but the truth is, longer and the thrill would have turned to nausea and a headache. I'm sort of vacillitating between being thrilled and excited to be working at Wellspring and mourning the loss of everything we have at OM USA. It's hard to focus on one or the other because they are both happening...so my emotions do the up and down thing-a lot.
I'm hardly the first person or the only person to go through this and I know that. I have perspective...most of the time. But right now, its what I'm gong through. Today (Saturday) I woke up and I absolutely could do nothing. I slept late, vegged in my pajamas, read...finally I took a bath, got dressed and took the kids for their rewards for being so awesome last weekend, helping both with the gala and the dinner we'd had for friends. I've written some blogs, and cooked, started to clean up...but I'm back on the couch and might not move for a bit. I really need to pack some, clean some, do some laundry. And I might, in a little bit.
- For the kids as they go through this transition and put up with me during it all.
- For me, that I focus on Jesus and how He empowers me. For times of rest and for energy to get things done.
- Finances, moving expenses (mainly deposits for utilities) and Bree's tution specifically.
- Support raising, going really well but still need some willing to financially partner for one year. (For more info, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)
- The move...which is same week as tech week for the show we are working. Praise that we found washer, dryer and fridge for $100. I'm going to have to find two beds and dressers as well.
- Finishing well at OM and getting started at Wellspring Living. I already have ideas for the volunteer program to streamline and organize so that hopefully I'm more effective.