Saturday, November 26, 2016

My Next To Normal

Because I am a glutton for emotional masochist if you will...I actually watched Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life, talked to my Mom, and then caught up on This Is Us in the same day. I then ate my feelings. I should have colored but old habits die hard.

I haven't talked to my Mom in months. The last time was on her birthday. It was a short conversation. It ended when my Mom said "I don't have anything else to say". Since the last time she and I talked, the show I was directing came and went, my granddaughter was born, I became homeless, a church that I had only heard of in passing paid to fix my car and friends who cared offered me a place to stay. She didn't ask me about Trey, who has been on deployment. She didn't ask about Embree, how her marriage was, about the baby. We talked about her being sick (cold). When she asked how I was, I wasn't sure what all she knew so I said "better". She caught that and asked so I downplayed all of it. Then I offered her information about the kids, Avi, etc.

My Mom never offers up "I miss you".
I say it, then she says it...but with a caveat...she doesn't miss the now me. She misses the 16 year old me, the 18 year old me, maybe even the 22 year old me. She misses the me when she felt better. When she says she misses me then always references it back to those times, what she means is she misses her. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand. I miss her too.

I want to be hurt...I am hurt, but logic tells me that's ridiculous because she doesn't mean it. I want to be mad. But who is there to be mad at? Can you be mad at mental illness? Can you personalize it and kick the shit out of it for taking away your Mom? Can you scream at it? Yell? Reason with it? Would it care if you could? Or would you just be wasting your breath?

There's this line in the musical Next To Normal during a song that shows her trying to get her meds back on track where she says "I don't feel like myself. I mean, I don't feel anything" And the doctor notes in her file "Patient stable."

I'm glad my Mom is stable. But I miss her. There are so many things I wish, that I regret. I think at one time my Mom may have made the effort but the meds and the illness made it too much to fight for...and to be honest, I stopped fighting too. It's hard to fight a battle you can't win, especially when there are so many others to be fought.

I hope she knows I love her though. I think she does

I think I'm going to have some pie.

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