A Mother's Son...

I recently read this article and felt the need to respond. That response gives me the chance to brag on my son is just an added bonus...

Robert Morrison recently used the murder of Matthew Shepard in 1998 as an argument against same sex marriage. I'll skip over my rant about the gall and audacity of his comments. I'll also only briefly mention the fact that it seems his comments actually refute his point since-by his own argument-having two dads is better than one. It's only in the case of two females getting married that a male figure is absent. (Mental note, if you are going to make a case for or against something, speak clearly and with forethought...otherwise, someone like me comes along and points out the obvious.)

The idea that a young man who grows up without a father is going to grow up to hate minorities enough to commit hate crimes is ludicrous. Hate is taught. It's learned. No one is born hating Muslims, Latinos or homosexuals...they are taught. Whether they have two parents in the household or one. Whether they have a father in their life or not...they grew up with bigotry and accepted it as truth. It doesn't even mean their parent(s) taught it to them...communities teach children values as well.

The good looking tall kid in the middle? Yep, he's mine. My son. My son who grew up without a father in his life. My son who I taught Christian values. My son who grew up in an environment where prejudice was not allowed...unless it was against a GA Tech fan and then only in fun (it's SEC football country people, smack talk is a way of life). My son who has been so blessed to have a number of positive influences in his life. Who grew up in an atmosphere and community that accepted differences even when they weren't necessarily agreed with...and who deliberately made choices that influenced his character and shaped him into the man he is today. The guy who makes friends with people regardless of color, culture or sexual orientation. The guy who accepts people for who they are and has an uncanny ability to genuinely like people in such a way that they are drawn to him. A boy, growing up to be a man...a good one.

I'm not sure if Mr. Morrison has children, but I would be willing to bet their attitude about homosexuality is similar to that of McKinley and Henderson. Would they take a homosexual man and beat him to death? No. But most of us wouldn't. We just avoid them. Make jokes about them. Think less of them.

My son doesn't do that. Has growing up without a dad been hard for him? Of course it is. I'm sure it was for McKinley and Henderson as well. But that is not what drove them to their actions and to say so not only belittles the issue but it insults Matthew's family as well as all single mothers.

All across this nation there are children being taught hate and fear and whether that is in a household where there is one parent, two parents or a grandmother doing her best to raise her grandchildren, the lesson is a terrible one. We have become a nation of extremes. There is no middle ground. No compromise. No understanding. We are blinded by our prejudices.

And as long as we refuse to stop the shouting and the yelling and the finger pointing, there will always be a mother's son being a bully, being bullied, living in fear...of being different or those that are different.

The reality is, the responsibility for Matthew's death and the epidemic of hate crimes in this country rests on the people who spew bigotry and those that tolerate it. Mr Morrison, are you willing to be responsible for something like that? Because I'm not.

A Mother's Rage. A Mother's Hope.

I am angry.
It feels like rage is literally burning my throat, I'm so angry.

I have this beautiful daughter. She just turned 18. Most people look at her and see someone much younger, which is annoying...but she'll love it when she's 40.

She loves to read. She loves to laugh. She's a great actress. An artist. An amazing teacher whose kids think she is the best thing since sliced cheese. She has a brother who loves her even when she annoys the crap out of him. Her puppy sleeps with her every night.

She's been working at her Aunt's shop on the Square. She's having a blast. Since it is so close to our house, she walks to and from work. She listens to music, practices her monologue, enjoys the weather.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday a man drove by my beautiful daughter and tried to engage her in conversation. He told her she was pretty and asked if she had a boyfriend. She took a deep breath, politely but firmly said "I'm not interested" and kept walking. She tried to remember all the things I told her about walking with purpose, head high...all those things that make you look like you wouldn't be a good victim for a predator. He started following her. Driving past her, coming back...all the way home. She forgot all the things she was supposed to be doing and panicked, called me crying. At one point the call dropped. I was terrified. Trying to call her back, my coworker on standby ready to call 911.

Last night I had to remind my daughter that instead of calling me she should have dialed 911 herself. That if he had done anything, I couldn't have gotten to her fast enough. We had to have a talk about safety. We had to have those conversations Mothers are forced to have with their daughters because we live in a rape culture. A culture where we spend more time teaching our girls how to not get raped than we do teaching our young men not to rape girls.

I want to find this guy. I want to beat him to a pulp. I want to gouge his eyes out so he can't ever leer at a young girl again. At some point I will have to let this go, work through forgiveness, pray for him. But not today. Today I'm in a rage and frustrated. This man took so much from my daughter yesterday. He didn't just mess up her day. He messed with her innocence. With her sense of who she is. He rendered her powerless. And he enjoyed it. It was a game to him. He kept coming back. He had to have seen the panic on her face. Bree is a great actress but utterly fails at hiding her emotions in real life (wonder where she gets that from?!). He got a kick out if it. It made him feel powerful.

Bet you anything he didn't think about her age. Bet you anything he didn't think about how she was going to sleep last night. About how we've had to make arrangements so she's not walking to and from work by herself. Bet if he knew how angry I was, he'd laugh it off.

Men like this. A culture like this. Explains how and why over 300 girls a month are sold for sex in Georgia. It's why studies show that one in six women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Why-on average-a woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States.

Enough is enough!

Culture must change. Parenting styles must change. Media that sales sex and portrays women as the playthings or servants of men must change. Songs that reflect misogynistic lyrics or devalue women are not freedom of speech! It should be considered a hate crime! And it's not just hip hop...how many country songs do you know that refer to a woman's body parts as her "money maker"? We shake our heads at fundamentalist Muslim countries that force a woman to wear a burqa but how is the US culture overall any different in the way it treats women?

It's time to take a stand. Men need to hold men accountable. Women need to understand their value and demand to be treated accordingly. I don't expect it to change overnight but I also know how you eat an elephant...

One bite at a time.

I believe this can happen. I believe it because I see it in my son. It's not only the way he was raised but in the decisions that he makes. When we turn off the Superbowl because the commercials make him uncomfortable. When he acknowledges that porn is a temptation and takes steps to fight it. When he treats girls around him with respect (including-most of the time-his sister).

I believe it because I've spent a lot of time recently hanging around college students and talking to guys who want to be leaders in the movement to change a culture and end slavery. Who know that part of that is doing their part to change culture. Who know that doing their part means treating women with respect and caring that other men do the same.

Every time I think about stories like Steubenville, I also have to think of the 40,000 plus college students at Passion 2013 standing in the cold, holding candles, singing worship songs and taking seriously their pledge to End It. The guys I met at Bryan College who are helping in the organization of a book drive for our girls.

I'm frustrated and I'm mad but I'm also hopeful. I hope I can hold on to that...

Where Do You Come In?

27 Million slaves in the world.
Over 300 girls under the age of 18 being sold for sex in Georgia every month.
The numbers get overwhelming. The stories are horrifying.
You feel powerless, uncomfortable, frustrated.
You know you should do "something" but what? And would it really make a difference?

Here's the deal...I can't promise you can change the world...but I can tell you you can make an impact. You aren't powerless. You can change the world for someone. And if everyone changed the world for someone, the world would be changed.

Let's talk about Casey. Not her real name. In fact, she's not a real person...but her story is very common to those we hear and see. Every story is different. Every girl is an individual. Whatever you do, don't forget that. But hopefully, in Casey's story, you'll understand your place.

When Casey was four, her Dad left. Her Mom started dating. Some of these men touched Casey in places they shouldn't. She tried to tell her Mom but her Mom didn't believe her. When Casey was ten, one of the boyfriends moved in with her and her Mom. Casey's Mom got pregnant and Casey had a little brother. Casey's Mom and the boyfriend got married. Casey thought things were going to be okay but then her Mom got a second shift job. Casey's step-dad started molesting her. Then he started letting his friends do things to her. Then he started selling her to his friends and friends of friends. He tells her if she tells her Mom, her Mom won't believe her. He tells her if she tells, he will hurt her Mom and her brother. Casey is constantly depressed. She doesn't do her school work. She doesn't play with the other kids. She used to love art but not anymore.

When Casey is twelve, she's had enough. She runs away.
Within 72 hours she has fallen into the hands of a trafficker. She was hungry. He fed her. Offered her a place to stay. He told her she was beautiful, that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He told her she had value, that she was valuable to him. That he loved her. And then he took her to a motel room and told her she had to have sex with every man that came into the room. When she refused, he beat her and let men rape her. The next day he told her he was sorry she made him do that...and that if she loves him, she won't make him do it again. So she does what he tells her to because he loves her, because she's valuable to him. She hates herself. She hates what is happening to her.

Months pass...

Casey decides to escape.
Casey is arrested.
Casey is hospitalized.

Casey is free. She is brought to a recovery program where she gets the chance to finish high school. She has group and individual therapy. She isn't crazy about all the life skill classes but she learns from them. She begins the road to recovery.

Where are you?

What if you volunteered a couple of hours one weekend to put posters up all around the city? The poster talks about trafficking and gives the National Trafficking Hotline number (888-373-7888)?

What if Casey's teacher saw the poster and called the number? Thanks to that call and Polaris Project, an investigation was launched, they found out what Casey's step-father had been doing and she was rescued before she ever ran away.

What if you were Casey's art teacher? What if you noticed that the colors she used had went from light to dark, that her painting depicted something dark? What if you talked to the guidance counselor?

What if you were an after-school mentor who spent time with Casey? What if you talked to her about how you valued her? About how special she was? About how she deserved to be treated? What if she felt safe to confide in you? What if she didn't but those words came back to her one night and gave her the courage to escape?

What if you were the guy who had created an accountability group that gave the guy who'd made an appointment to "meet" Casey someone to call and he didn't keep the appointment? As a result, he wasn't the guy that was with her when she was arrested. His marriage is saved and his kids don't have to grow up without their Dad.

What if you were the person who contacted their state Senator or Representative to tell them that you are in favor of HB 200 and so they support the bill that means when Casey is arrested she is treated as a victim instead of a criminal?

What if you were the group that helped remodel the program that is helping Casey? What if you were the women's group that did an in-kind donation drive and supplied the program with school supplies, toilet paper, and other necessities? What if you gave a financial donation that helps pay the counselors, teachers, the light bill, the school curriculum?

What if you are the volunteer who tutors her and helps her earn school credits? What if you teach a life skill class? What if you come on a Saturday and bake with her? What if you build a relationship with her and mentor her after she leaves the program?

What if you are the cashier who smiles at her one day when she buys a coke and you tell her "have a nice day" and she realizes that not everyone looks at her like she is filth?

What if you are the person who sits next to her at church and introduce her to your family, tell her you are glad she's there? What if you teach her to drive? What if you are the business that takes a chance on her to give her a job?

What if you take the time to help change her life? No matter where you come in, no matter what big or small part you play, we all need to do something. If we don't, children will continue to be victimized.

I'm just not okay with that.

Five Things I Learned From Spamalot

I have to tell you guys I have this thing for Monty Python. I don't know why...if I think about it, it really isn't that funny. Well, even when I think about it, Fawlty Towers is freaking awesome. But the Holy Grail is one of my favorite movies of all time. And when I found out that NTC was doing Spamalot and that Jennifer was directing it, I sort of secured my spot as stage manager a bit early...like a year ago...while we were doing Dangerous Liaisons.

It was a challenging show. Partially because we'd done back to back shows for six months and I was tired, partly because we were rehearsing five days a week almost from the start...and because every show is a challenging show. But it will definitely go down in the books as one of my favorites.

Here is one of the things that I love about Spamalot...the songs are all pretty silly, and yet they are great music. I mean "Diva's Lament"! Chick has to have a dynamite voice (and Allison did!). And, if you really think about it, Spamalot can be educational.

Don't believe me? I'll prove it. Five things I learned from Spamalot (with some rehearsal shots and videos for the less fortunate that don't know the show)

#1 Use what you got.
SOLDIER #1:
What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:
Yes!
SOLDIER #1:
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:
What?
SOLDIER #1:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

Sure, we'd all like to have a horse. But what do you do if you don't have one? Mope? Refuse to go on the quest? Hide in your castle? NO! You find two halves of a coconut (possibly once carried by an African swallow) and you bang them together! It works even better if you have man servant like Patsy or Concorde to do it for you. Then you can pretend to hold on to the reins!

All I'm saying is, be happy with what you have! Or be inventive!

#2 You Aren't Dead Yet

Life is hard. You are feeling beaten. Either you've given up on yourself or others around you have given up on you. But you aren't dead. You're getting better. Dust yourself off. Get out there and dance! Seriously, don't let them put you on the cart! You can do this!

#3 Find Your Grail

Everyone has that something they are looking for...a cup, musical theatre or the perfect mate. Figure out what your passion is, what makes you tick...and go after it! And-if you can-bring along a few friends.

#4 Run Away!

Sometimes, running away is the best option. Especially if someone is hurling cattle at you. It's okay to get away from bad situations, toxic people, unhealthy relationships...or can can dancers.

#5 What you're looking for might be right under your feet...or bum.

Not to give anything away...if you've seen it, you know. If you didn't...well, shame on you. But so many times what we are looking for is right in front of us. We need to pay attention and open ourselves up to the possibilities. Look right beyond the Fourth Wall as it were.

So there ya' go. Life lessons from one of the most fun musicals of all times. And yes, I know I left some out, so feel free to share. Always look on the bright side of life? Make friends with Jews (so you can succeed on Broadway)? Be free to be yourself (AKA His Name Is Lancelot)

Or...make sure your son doesn't point his camera at you while you're singing along.

Next up for the Battles' theatre repertoire: Alice In Wonderland with the Henry Players! Auditions are April 15th and 16th. Visit the Henry Players website for info!

Whose Side Are You On?

The Supreme Court has heard all the arguments and will now be making a decision on the Defense of Marriage Act. A nation waits, holding it's breath. Convinced the decision will either uphold the foundation of beliefs this nation was founded on...or that they will continue to discriminate against a minority. There are very few "in betweens" when it comes to this issue. It seems instead, there are two polar opposites...either the majority of Christians or the loudest ones on one side screaming "homosexuality is an abomination" and "defend the Biblical definition of marriage" and those on the other side screaming "you believe in an imaginary God, therefore your argument is invalid"

Here is the reality of the situation, there needs to be...in fact, must be, reconciliation. And like it or not, Christians need to take the first steps toward middle ground. Does that mean you have to give up your beliefs? Absolutely not. What it does mean is you have to change how you go about sharing them with everyone else. It means that you have to understand that affirming someone's value and holding on to your faith are not mutually exclusive. It means that you have to put down your defenses, step down off your political soap box, and build relationships with people you don't agree with-like homosexuals. You'll be amazed at how it will change your life and your view point. I know I was.

Jesus told us that the world will know we are His disciples by the way we love. I have to tell you that I have a number of friends who are homosexual who have known no love from Christians. Statistics tell us that 47% of homeless youth are LGBT and the majority of them are homeless because they were rejected by their family after "coming out". (Side note: if 90% of runaways or homeless youth are trafficked within 72 hours...what's the outcome for this 47%?). And the sad truth is Christians have a history of this kind of behavior...from slavery to civil rights...our track record isn't great. We are known more for what we are against than what we are for...and more for our conservative political views than our love. Again, I am not saying change your beliefs. I am saying that we follow the Jesus who touched a leper, befriended a prostitute and helped a condemned adulteress out of the dirt. He did that before they changed their life style. Their life was changed by the way He treated them...as if they mattered, as if they had value, as if they were worth loving.

I'd remark on Jesus comment "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's" but I think that would distract from the point.

Here's another thought...With studies showing there is a minimal difference between Christians and non  Christians when it comes to addiction to pornography, premarital sex, adultery and divorce perhaps our arguments for the biblical view of marriage are shaky. These statistics show that there are a lot of issues within the church and those sitting in it that we need to be addressing and walking along side those who need our help. It's time to stop our political posturing and help defend those marriages which are clearly under attack from the enemy, human frailty and a culture that constantly pushes wrongful views of sex into our faces.

If we are going to make same sex marriage illegal on the basis of marriage in the Bible...shouldn't adultery be illegal as well? That would cause some politicians to shake wouldn't it?

Everyone thought the Messiah would be a political leader, making war and restoring the glory of the Israelite nation. Instead He humbled himself, loved people, and changed the world. Maybe following His example would be a good idea. This post isn't supposed to be about my view of same sex marriage. I am not choosing sides for or against here. I am choosing to follow Jesus. To love everyone I come in contact with or at least try. I'm not here to judge but to model the behavior of one I call Savior. I might get it wrong. I'm an imperfect person loved and redeemed by a perfect God. And I'd rather get it wrong on the side of love than on the side of judgment. I hope I'm never the one on the corner praying "God, thank you that I am not the sinner this man is" but rather the one on my face crying out "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner"

I welcome your thoughts but please be respectful. Any hateful, rude or obnoxious comments will be deleted immediately.

The Justice Conference

So here's a few of my thoughts on the Justice Conference:

1) When it was good, it was very VERY good. And when it wasn't...it was just "meh"
I get the impression the conference is still in development and from the looks of it, they are really finding their character. I think the biggest problem I had was that it sometimes felt like a sale. And here's the thing...if I've bought a ticket to the Justice Conference, traveled all that way to get here, and have positioned myself in a seat with attentive ears...you don't have to sale me justice. It's already a priority in my life. I expected a lot more information about issues and action points. I expected deeper. When we got it, the energy in the room visibly increased. But overall, my attention wandered quite a bit  during several speakers just because it was information I'd heard so much.

2) I loved the way the conference integrated art into the experience-with the film festival and spoken word...I would definitely keep that. I would also create service opportunities in the host city so that the day before or the day the conference begins, we could put justice into practice! The NCVS does this and it was one of the best conference experiences ever.

3) The organizers for JC should probably check the sound quality in their venues before hand. After the first couple of musicians, I stayed outside for most of the performances because the sound was so bad. And exhibitors should be more prepared with action that attendees can take...again, if they've come, they already have buy in and are looking to do something.

Speakers...
Eugene Cho was of course a favorite. Gary Haugen was good and I appreciated the way he broke down the amount of time staff spend on each case/project. I don't know why I was so surprised at the amazing job Shane Claiborne did but he blew me out of the water and remains a conference favorite for me. Sheryl WuDunn's stories all came from Half The Sky so I'll admit to losing focus several times during her presentation. But the absolute favorite moment of the entire conference for me was the round table with Lisa Sharon Harper, Dr John Perkins (why oh why wasn't he a main speaker!? I could've listened to him for hours!), Lynn Hybels and Stephan Bauman. That was the reason I had bought a ticket and driven from Newnan, GA to Philadelphia, PA! The topics they covered, opinions they shared, solutions they presented...it was inspiring! My only regret is it didn't last longer! Some of my favorite "gems" come from that particular presentation.

By the way, you can hear all the main speakers here: http://thejusticeconference.com/videos2013.html.

Take aways:
I think that I had four main take aways from the conference and I really appreciate them.
1) Pursuing Justice is a long process. It's messy. It's a marathon not a sprint. And it's worth it. But we need to be prepared to be in it for the long haul.
2) Justice can become an idol. And we can be more concerned with justice than the people we are trying to help. We must always bear in mind that those suffering from injustice are people with dignity and value and we must treat them with dignity and as people of value. Look into the eyes of humanity, they are not a project or "non-profit machine"
3) Don't assume you know what someone needs. What you think they need might be low on their list of priorities. I especially appreciated Eugene Cho's story of asking what a particular village needed already envisioning the new school they would help build...when all the village felt they needed was help paying the teachers their $40 per year salary.
4) We must be experts on our issue. We must be informed. We can't just like a page on Facebook and think we know what we are focusing on...we must be responsible in our story telling.

Favorite Quotes:
"Shut up. Read. Pray. Be connected to the vine. The pursuit of God fuels the pursuit of justice. Not the other way around" -Eugene Cho

"Ours is a world where a twelve year old needs a defender" -Gary Haugen

On prayer "Justice is God's work and we should be talking to him about it" -Gary Haugen

"Standing together, we are strong" Cyprien Nkiriyumwami

"The more we see of God, the less we want to throw stones at people" -Shane Claiborne

"The key to fighting poverty is affirming dignity of the poor." -Dr John Perkins

"We have never fully achieved the message of the Liberty Bell, but we must keep trying." -Dr John Perkins

"Befriend an immigrant family. Eat a little starch!" -Stephan Bauman

Next year's conference is in Los Angeles! Find out more info at http://thejusticeconference.com/

Guilty Until Proven Innocent?

I had a friend. His name was Ricky. At one point in his life, Ricky lived with a girl. They talked about getting married. She had three daughters. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. Ricky moved out of the house and on with his life. For a little bit at least. And then, one day not long after moving out, without warning...Ricky found himself under investigation. And in jail. One of the daughters had accused Ricky of molesting her. Ricky spent a month in jail. The small town newspaper made big news of it, putting the story and his picture on the front page. He lost his job. His family was thrown into chaos. And I was in shock. I knew this guy. Knew his Mom, his brother, his brother's girlfriend! But little girls don't lie about this sort of thing...do they? Do they?

Actually, they do. The investigators kept talking to the little girl and details got confusing and the story started unraveling and around the time she also told about seeing Ricky "touch" her special needs sister, the investigators were suspicious. It all fell apart to reveal that the ex-girlfriend had coached the girl and convinced her that Ricky was a bad man and that she needed to tell the story so he went to jail forever for hurting mommy. The police department considered filing charges against the woman, but in the end, did not. Partly because Ricky asked them not to. He loved the three girls and their Mom was the only one they had to take care of them. He couldn't stand the thought of them in foster care.

He was released from jail. His family welcomed him back with open arms as did most of his friends. Not so the majority of the town. They had seen his face. They had seen the story. It was front page news. He must have been guilty. They certainly hadn't seen anything in the paper telling them he had been found innocent.

Seven months after being released from jail, Ricky moved away from his family and friends to escape the stigma thrown upon him by lies, manipulation and irresponsible media.

In 2006 three students from Duke University are accused of rape. Scandal erupts. I watch the stories and think "how sick and twisted" "how dare they" and "their money better not get them out of it". The boys, who play on Duke's lacrosse team, are charged, arrested and go to trial. The coach of the Lacrosse team is forced to resign, the rest of the season is cancelled for the team, and the case causes a media sensation. Accusations that this is actually a hate crime are hurled. The boys, their families and even students from the school with little to no connection to the case are threatened.

The case falls apart. The boys are found not guilty. The district attorney resigns after it's revealed how rushed and shoddy his case was. The accuser is later is found guilty of child abuse and is awaiting trial for the stabbing death of her boyfriend. And I feel like an idiot.

The presumption of innocence is considered a basic human right. The idea that we are "innocent until proven guilty" is a foundation of the American legal system and noted in the 5th, 6th and 14th Amendments to the Constitution. Why? Because the forefathers had witnessed the tyranny of a country that could jail you for no reason, hold you in prison for any length of time and convict you without due process. 

Don't get me wrong when I say this. I want molesters, rapists, traffickers and "johns" to go to jail. When I read statistics about unreported rapes, rapists not being convicted, johns who buy girls for sexual purposes and get nothing more than a slap on the wrist, I get more than furious. I steam over the fact that "what were you wearing?" is a common question a rape victim is expected to answer. I want men who violate women in any shape, fashion or form to receive justice. There are some stories that make me want to dispense the justice myself. However, I never want this justice to come without a fair trial. Due process. And that means he must be proven guilty. It does not mean that he must be proven innocent. That's the way it works. It is certainly the way I want it to work if I'm accused of a crime. It's the way you'd want to be treated as well.

Furthermore, the media must be held responsible. If they are going to report on a case, they must be unbiased and report in an objective way. An accusation does not mean front page news and-if it does-an acquittal (or a dropped case) should get the same attention. Someone's life should not be ruined because he/she was accused of doing something. I don't care if innocent men sale less papers than guilty ones.

A few weeks ago a local paper published a story of a guy with charges against him. The story, including a picture of him, was on the front page. I thought about Ricky. I thought about this guy's wife and family. I thought about how wrong it is that they actually printed his address in the article. I realized the paper was already assuming he was guilty. And, since they wrote it that way, most people will read it and assume the same. I'll bet you anything if he's not, they'll never put that on the front page. What will it be like for him walking into work? To church? At dinner with his wife? A family outing with his in-laws? Will he and his wife have to move away to avoid the assumptions? What will it do to his marriage? What if he has kids? Can you imagine what going to school would be like?

You're thinking if he's guilty, he deserves it. But what if he isn't? What does he deserve then? Right now, the one thing he does deserve is to be innocent until proven otherwise.