It has been longer than I thought it had been since I've sat down to blog.
A couple of months ago I wrote a guest blog trying to make people understand that men who have sex with young girls don't always look like monsters or "low lifes" That they often look like the guy who goes to work every day, come home to their families, go to church. I wanted people to understand the impact of a man's choice on his family, the idea that we must be aware of who creates the demand so we can create accountability and resources that help these men struggling with sexual sin. I'd wanted to write it a long time. It practically wrote itself. I believe the impact was what I'd hoped to some degree or the other. To be honest, I put it out there and let God do what He wanted with it.
What I didn't anticipate is what it would do to me emotionally and mentally. In writing it, I had to share things and in sharing those things, started reliving memories I don't often dwell on...and the thing that got me was it wasn't the bad times that I focused on the most, it was the good. And it broke my heart.
People tend to look at me and see a very confident, independent woman who is perfectly content to be single for the rest of her life and for the most part, most days...that is exactly what I am. I am fully aware of the amazing support system of friends we have-many who are more like family. I'm aware that we get more opportunities to experiences some of the coolest things than most people. I know that the fact I love my job as much as I do and I get to be a part of something so awesome is something to thank God for everyday.
But I never actually meant to do this alone. I liked being married. I like the idea of having someone by your side, being by theirs. I had never meant to not have that and in reliving those times, became once more aware that I'd lost something. That I was disappointed and hurt by that loss.
It threw me and I was depressed for a couple of weeks. Watching Crazy, Stupid Love (a very good movie, BTW) had me on my bathroom floor sobbing. My kids were kind of worried. I was pretty successful at hiding it from everyone else. I prayed a lot, wrote in my journal. Confessed to God that I was angry and felt cheated. Came to the place where I put it back in His hands and praised Him for everything He has given us. Started to feel better...
And about the time I was feeling inspired to write again, I got a phone call at work. My Dad had had a stroke. I knew by the time I got to the hospital that it was bad. The stroke destroyed most of his brain and had he made it, he would have been a shadow of himself, laying in a bed at a nursing home with a feeding tube. But the whole time I refused to quite take what the doctors were saying as truth. As if, if I believed what they were saying, then I had given up on my Dad and that would be the end of any chance he had of making it. Even when they told us he wouldn't make it through the day, I said he would at least do that just to prove them wrong. It's the first time my Dad didn't put up a fight.
If the world were perfect or this was a movie, my Dad would've woken up long enough to tell me he loved me, that he was glad I was his daughter. I would have told him that I loved him with all my heart and despite everything we'd been through, I would've picked him as my Dad over any other choice. The world is not perfect and my life is not a movie. I've told my Dad on more than one occasion that I've forgiven him, that I love him...I just wish I'd had one more chance.
So for the past few weeks, I've been working through my grief. Little by little, I'm doing better. Grief is sneaky so I can be having a perfectly good day and somehow find myself crying. Little things, like a character in a movie who keeps a toothpick in his mouth, can make me think of him. One day I thought "I'm not ready for this" and for just a few minutes, allowed myself to think of him like he was still here. Like I could call him and hear him say "Hey now" and before he hung up the phone tell me "love you bunches". Last week I made it through the whole Wednesday without thinking "It's been four weeks" but today I thought "It's been five" We honored my Dad's wishes. He was cremated. We haven't followed through with the second part of his wish but my Aunt mentioned it the other day. We're starting to think about it. We're almost ready.
Anyway...there you have it. And now I'm ready to write again. It is all muddled in my brain. I'll probably date the posts at appropriate times, so that you are caught up on what's going on with us as a family, with Wellspring, etc. Hopefully I'll be up to date by the end of next week and can blog in "real time" again. Thanks to those of you who know us, have been praying for us, sent your sympathy, etc. I'm so blessed to have you, to have people who bother to read what I think/write.
It's good to be "back"
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Losing My Dad
February 21st
It's one of those ordinary days. I overslept and went to work without makeup on or my hair done. I'm a bit fuddle brained but looking forward to the day. Tuesdays are always my favorite since the whole Marketing team is in the office...it just makes for a fun day.
Trey had a great birthday .
We'd had rehearsals for Dangerous Liaisons and I was calling everyone, getting ready for read thru.
I was taking Bree and her friends to do some final prom shopping that afternoon.
Friday was a comp day...I was going to sleep late.
One of those days where, when you look back, there should have been some foreshadowing but there wasn't...nothing to warn you, no funny feeling, no gray cloud in the sky, no music to cue the fact something bad was going to happen.
I was on the phone with the Volunteer Coordinator at the Kennesaw store when my cell phone rang. It was my aunt, my dad's older sister. Normally I wouldn't have answered it at all but I'd forgotten to turn the volume down and answering it was quickest way to quiet it. Asking Beth to hang on, I answered my cell with "Aunt Penny can I call you right back?"
"Your Dad has had a stroke."
I lost my breath. Hanging up the other phone (I think I told her bye), I got the little bit of detail that my Aunt had...enough to know it was bad.
It's odd how fast I regrouped. How I went into "get it done" mode. How quickly I decided that this wasn't what it seemed...it was going to be like a couple of months ago when we were sure that he was going to lose his leg, when I rushed down to stay at the hospital, all for nothing. I mean...not for "nothing" I'm glad I was there...and his leg was there to...still.
I left work, got the kids...was smart enough to pack overnight bags. On the trip to the hospital I alternated between updates from my sister and calling the cast to tell them about their part and the read thru. I called the director to let her know I might actually miss the read thru.
I just don't understand how my day started so normally.
The doctor is there. He is talking to us.
Extensive damage to right side of brain...coma...MRI...DNR.
Do we know his wishes?
His wishes???
He's talking about life support.
Oh God.
We do know his wishes. As a family, we stand there and express them to the doctor. As the oldest child, I sign the forms.
No life support. No ventilator. No "extreme measures".
I know this is my what he wanted but it tears me up, breaks my heart...
I go out in the hall and sob.
If this were a movie, Dad would've woken up one more time...looked into my eyes, grabbed my hand, gasped his final words of love.
He never woke up. Never moved. His breathing just got more and more labored, more and more shallow.
They moved him from ICU to a room where we could all be with him. They gave me one of those shampoo kits so I could was his hair.
He died the next day. Someone noticed his breathing had changed, was quieter. I watched him and noticed he was breathing less and less. Sent Embree for the nurse. She came in and quietly said "It won't be long now"
It wasn't.
How is this reality? How am I never going to pick up the phone to talk to him again?
Hear him say "Hey now" or "Love you bunches"
I feel lost.
It's one of those ordinary days. I overslept and went to work without makeup on or my hair done. I'm a bit fuddle brained but looking forward to the day. Tuesdays are always my favorite since the whole Marketing team is in the office...it just makes for a fun day.
Trey had a great birthday .
We'd had rehearsals for Dangerous Liaisons and I was calling everyone, getting ready for read thru.
I was taking Bree and her friends to do some final prom shopping that afternoon.
Friday was a comp day...I was going to sleep late.
One of those days where, when you look back, there should have been some foreshadowing but there wasn't...nothing to warn you, no funny feeling, no gray cloud in the sky, no music to cue the fact something bad was going to happen.
I was on the phone with the Volunteer Coordinator at the Kennesaw store when my cell phone rang. It was my aunt, my dad's older sister. Normally I wouldn't have answered it at all but I'd forgotten to turn the volume down and answering it was quickest way to quiet it. Asking Beth to hang on, I answered my cell with "Aunt Penny can I call you right back?"
"Your Dad has had a stroke."
I lost my breath. Hanging up the other phone (I think I told her bye), I got the little bit of detail that my Aunt had...enough to know it was bad.
It's odd how fast I regrouped. How I went into "get it done" mode. How quickly I decided that this wasn't what it seemed...it was going to be like a couple of months ago when we were sure that he was going to lose his leg, when I rushed down to stay at the hospital, all for nothing. I mean...not for "nothing" I'm glad I was there...and his leg was there to...still.
I left work, got the kids...was smart enough to pack overnight bags. On the trip to the hospital I alternated between updates from my sister and calling the cast to tell them about their part and the read thru. I called the director to let her know I might actually miss the read thru.
I just don't understand how my day started so normally.
The doctor is there. He is talking to us.
Extensive damage to right side of brain...coma...MRI...DNR.
Do we know his wishes?
His wishes???
He's talking about life support.
Oh God.
We do know his wishes. As a family, we stand there and express them to the doctor. As the oldest child, I sign the forms.
No life support. No ventilator. No "extreme measures".
I know this is my what he wanted but it tears me up, breaks my heart...
I go out in the hall and sob.
If this were a movie, Dad would've woken up one more time...looked into my eyes, grabbed my hand, gasped his final words of love.
He never woke up. Never moved. His breathing just got more and more labored, more and more shallow.
They moved him from ICU to a room where we could all be with him. They gave me one of those shampoo kits so I could was his hair.
He died the next day. Someone noticed his breathing had changed, was quieter. I watched him and noticed he was breathing less and less. Sent Embree for the nurse. She came in and quietly said "It won't be long now"
It wasn't.
How is this reality? How am I never going to pick up the phone to talk to him again?
Hear him say "Hey now" or "Love you bunches"
I feel lost.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Catching Up...
Have you guys seen the story that CNN did on Passion students last week? If not, check it out http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/world/2012/01/05/cfp-clancy-do-something-now.cnn It also features one of Wellspring Living's "gradutates"...a survivor of trafficking.
This weekend has been a blast and the upcoming week promises to be so as well! Yesterday, I made a financial investment...in three rakes! We did some yard work before the rain, got the Christmas decorations down, I took the kids to get their hair cut, and we found the perfect TV stand at the Wellspring Treasures store in Peachtree City (for only $15). If you live near Kennesaw, Duluth or Peachtree City and have never been to one of our Wellspring Treasure stores, you really should visit one. They have some nice clothing, household goods and furniture and the profits help provide operating costs for both the homes.
Today I caught up on some podcasts, Trey played Ultimate Frisbee (in the rain!), and the three of us helped with auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Auditions continue tomorrow with callbacks on Tuesday. I'll be helping with the kids in the show. Bree and Trey's plans were to be on production as well but it looks like the director might have some other ideas so they might end up on stage.
I'm not normally a television type person but I'm hooked on Once Upon A Time and Downton Abbey! Making it home in time for the Downton Season 2 premiere made my night! Love the story, the script, the actors, the costumes, the scenery...I'll have to catch tonight's episode of Once Upon A Time on Hulu.
My friend Jill passed along "Here's To Hindsight" by Tara Leigh Cobble and I finished it in just a few days. I've already passed my copy along but if you get a chance to pick it up, it's a good read! I'm trying to start John McArthur's follow up to "Twelve Ordinary Men", "Twelve Extrodinary Women" but haven't had a chance to really get into it. LOVED Twelve Ordinary Men so I have high hopes for this one. Anyone else got any suggestions for good reads, pass them along!
Also, created a You Version account back in July but confess I hadn't really done that much with it. Then someone tweeted about their reading plan on compassion and I was motivated to check it out. Now I have a reading plan on compassion and justice. I still don't know a lot about other features but I'm sure I'll be figuring it out.
This week:
I'll be starting a new class with the girls. They want to know what they need to do to get into college so I'm created a life skills class on the "hows" and "whats." We'll talk about picking colleges, credits they'll need, the SAT versus ACT, financial aid, filling out applications, college life and hopefully have a mini college day at the end. I've got several people coming in to help including a couple of students from Spelman. I'm really looking forward to it!
This week at the office will be crazy busy with follow up from Passion. Students started emailing before the conference was even over wanting to know how they can be involved!
I've got a meeting with two women from a church interested in Immersion Project and we'll be organizing details for that.
As mentioned before, we'll be helping with auditions for Joseph on Monday and Tuesday. The kids have church on Wednesday and Bree and I will be helping out at Shakespeare Tavern on Thursday.
I really hate to admit it but I have traffic court in Newnan this week so if you could pray favor over that, I would really appreciate it!
This weekend has been a blast and the upcoming week promises to be so as well! Yesterday, I made a financial investment...in three rakes! We did some yard work before the rain, got the Christmas decorations down, I took the kids to get their hair cut, and we found the perfect TV stand at the Wellspring Treasures store in Peachtree City (for only $15). If you live near Kennesaw, Duluth or Peachtree City and have never been to one of our Wellspring Treasure stores, you really should visit one. They have some nice clothing, household goods and furniture and the profits help provide operating costs for both the homes.
Today I caught up on some podcasts, Trey played Ultimate Frisbee (in the rain!), and the three of us helped with auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Auditions continue tomorrow with callbacks on Tuesday. I'll be helping with the kids in the show. Bree and Trey's plans were to be on production as well but it looks like the director might have some other ideas so they might end up on stage.
I'm not normally a television type person but I'm hooked on Once Upon A Time and Downton Abbey! Making it home in time for the Downton Season 2 premiere made my night! Love the story, the script, the actors, the costumes, the scenery...I'll have to catch tonight's episode of Once Upon A Time on Hulu.
My friend Jill passed along "Here's To Hindsight" by Tara Leigh Cobble and I finished it in just a few days. I've already passed my copy along but if you get a chance to pick it up, it's a good read! I'm trying to start John McArthur's follow up to "Twelve Ordinary Men", "Twelve Extrodinary Women" but haven't had a chance to really get into it. LOVED Twelve Ordinary Men so I have high hopes for this one. Anyone else got any suggestions for good reads, pass them along!
Also, created a You Version account back in July but confess I hadn't really done that much with it. Then someone tweeted about their reading plan on compassion and I was motivated to check it out. Now I have a reading plan on compassion and justice. I still don't know a lot about other features but I'm sure I'll be figuring it out.
This week:
I'll be starting a new class with the girls. They want to know what they need to do to get into college so I'm created a life skills class on the "hows" and "whats." We'll talk about picking colleges, credits they'll need, the SAT versus ACT, financial aid, filling out applications, college life and hopefully have a mini college day at the end. I've got several people coming in to help including a couple of students from Spelman. I'm really looking forward to it!
This week at the office will be crazy busy with follow up from Passion. Students started emailing before the conference was even over wanting to know how they can be involved!
I've got a meeting with two women from a church interested in Immersion Project and we'll be organizing details for that.
As mentioned before, we'll be helping with auditions for Joseph on Monday and Tuesday. The kids have church on Wednesday and Bree and I will be helping out at Shakespeare Tavern on Thursday.
I really hate to admit it but I have traffic court in Newnan this week so if you could pray favor over that, I would really appreciate it!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Communication
I spent most of this week with a headache. Not your common, ordinary headache...one of those headaches that kicks the crap out of you like Rocky did the Russian guy in Rocky V (completely unrealistic by the way, the Russian would've creamed him...I mean, look at the guy!).
The first couple of days I managed. Pain relievers seemed to work and I got along fine. By the third day, I was confined to my darkened room, trying to lay as still as possible. I'd tried everything:
I thought it might be sinuses so I bought meds for it.
Someone suggested I might be dehydrated so I drank enough water I could've been a well.
I considered the idea that my eyes might be strained so I stayed off computer, didn't read, and didn't watch TV for a day.
I'm still not sure if it was viral, hormonal, or if the kids have been beating me in the head while I sleep. All I know is being that inactive is not something I am used to. Not sure what to do with myself, I took a quick dive in the pity pool, found the water tepid, and jumped out again.
I began to have a conversation with God. I started out praying for people I know, world issues followed, a list of things I'm grateful for after that...and then somehow it just turned into conversation. The past few months I'd forgotten that conversation with God-like all conversation-is two way. There's the talking part and the listening part. For those of you who might be concerned, I wasn't hearing audible voices...just a sense that God was there, the feelings of peace, of motivation, options coming to mind I hadn't thought of before, verses that I remember that answered questions.
While I hope to never have a headache of that "magnitude" again, I did relish the time spent in real communication with God. I have a habit...and it's one I've indulged in often these past few months...of talking to God rather than communicating with him. I do it with my children too. They are talking to me and I'm half listening, waiting for them to finish so I can tell them what they need to do, what they've failed to do, or what the plans for the day/next day/week are. I get so caught up in the "doing" that I forget the importance of hearing what my children have to say, my friends have to say..what God is saying to me.
When I get like that...so busy that I don't really spend time communicating, in relationship with, being with...God or anyone else...that is when I find myself struggling with impatience, a lack of grace, a bent toward impatience. Communication isn't just about listening to others because it makes them feel better. It's about bringing out the best in me. Especially when it comes to listening to God.
We all know the story of Mary and Martha and how Jesus told Martha that Mary had found the "good thing." I'm sure Martha must have been shocked! To think that sitting and listening as oppossed to being a good hostess was the "good thing" would have been counter cultural to her. That was a completely new thought. And the same goes for our culture...especially today when everyone is in a rush and we feel our schedules so full and we constantly have something in our hand to distract us from the person in front of us. Communication is about talking, listening, without distractions. And-like grace-it is something we need to practice. It's something we need to make room for in our lives. At least it is something I need to make room for in my life. Because I want to be that better me, to engage in the "good thing" as oppossed to the busy thing, because I want the people in my life to know they are incredibly important to me. And because it is the way I draw closer in relationship with God and as much as I want to be a good Mom, make the world at least a little bit better, or be a good friend...more than anything, I want to draw nearer to Him. In doing so, I'm better able to do all those other things.
The first couple of days I managed. Pain relievers seemed to work and I got along fine. By the third day, I was confined to my darkened room, trying to lay as still as possible. I'd tried everything:
I thought it might be sinuses so I bought meds for it.
Someone suggested I might be dehydrated so I drank enough water I could've been a well.
I considered the idea that my eyes might be strained so I stayed off computer, didn't read, and didn't watch TV for a day.
I'm still not sure if it was viral, hormonal, or if the kids have been beating me in the head while I sleep. All I know is being that inactive is not something I am used to. Not sure what to do with myself, I took a quick dive in the pity pool, found the water tepid, and jumped out again.
I began to have a conversation with God. I started out praying for people I know, world issues followed, a list of things I'm grateful for after that...and then somehow it just turned into conversation. The past few months I'd forgotten that conversation with God-like all conversation-is two way. There's the talking part and the listening part. For those of you who might be concerned, I wasn't hearing audible voices...just a sense that God was there, the feelings of peace, of motivation, options coming to mind I hadn't thought of before, verses that I remember that answered questions.
While I hope to never have a headache of that "magnitude" again, I did relish the time spent in real communication with God. I have a habit...and it's one I've indulged in often these past few months...of talking to God rather than communicating with him. I do it with my children too. They are talking to me and I'm half listening, waiting for them to finish so I can tell them what they need to do, what they've failed to do, or what the plans for the day/next day/week are. I get so caught up in the "doing" that I forget the importance of hearing what my children have to say, my friends have to say..what God is saying to me.
When I get like that...so busy that I don't really spend time communicating, in relationship with, being with...God or anyone else...that is when I find myself struggling with impatience, a lack of grace, a bent toward impatience. Communication isn't just about listening to others because it makes them feel better. It's about bringing out the best in me. Especially when it comes to listening to God.
We all know the story of Mary and Martha and how Jesus told Martha that Mary had found the "good thing." I'm sure Martha must have been shocked! To think that sitting and listening as oppossed to being a good hostess was the "good thing" would have been counter cultural to her. That was a completely new thought. And the same goes for our culture...especially today when everyone is in a rush and we feel our schedules so full and we constantly have something in our hand to distract us from the person in front of us. Communication is about talking, listening, without distractions. And-like grace-it is something we need to practice. It's something we need to make room for in our lives. At least it is something I need to make room for in my life. Because I want to be that better me, to engage in the "good thing" as oppossed to the busy thing, because I want the people in my life to know they are incredibly important to me. And because it is the way I draw closer in relationship with God and as much as I want to be a good Mom, make the world at least a little bit better, or be a good friend...more than anything, I want to draw nearer to Him. In doing so, I'm better able to do all those other things.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
We Wish You a Merry Christmas...
Well, we certainly hope you had a merry Christmas...and a happy New Year!
I must confess that it is entirely possible that if friends of ours hadn't bought and delivered a Christmas tree to my front door (this is almost literal, they left it in garage), we might not even have decorated a tree this year! But since they did, we couldn't just let the poor thing go to waste, so...
And of course, if we decorate tree, we have to put out Embree and Trey's nutcrackers, my nativity scenes and various other Christmas decorations. (For those who don't know, Bree and Trey collect nutcrackers and have since they were in 1st and 2nd grades. I collect Nativity scenes)
Cue cute kitty picture not because it is relevant but because it's just so adorable I had to include it!
Christmas Eve was pretty quiet and relaxed. Even though I had to buy to last minute gifts, I managed to avoid crowds (*gasp*). We attended church and then had our traditional "hot cocoa deluxe" which is so amazingly good...but so rich we can only handle it once a year!
Christmas day was waking up and having enough time to spend some quiet moments reading Bible, praying and reflecting before the kids woke up, opening presents, followed by a flurry of cooking (enough to feed a small state...we still have leftovers), good friends coming over, lots of eating, lots of good conversation, lots of laughing, playing games and we went to see a movie.
Bree got pallete of eyeshadow from Ulta, calligraphy kit, and a Kindle!
Trey got video games and a controller for his PS3 that he's been wanting for almost a year.
I got the most beautiful scarf (from Italy) I've ever seen...and then as belated Christmas gifts, a bunch of stuff for house including new dishes (green!), new rugs for bathroom (green!), and a necklace (wait for it...green!)
Kitty got to play in all the wrapping paper. Everyone had a good day!
New Years Eve was a reminder that my kids are growing up. We actually weren't together for NYE. Bree and Trey went on double date with their boyfriend/girlfriend and a few other friends to Dixie Land Fun Park and I hung out with adults! You know your friends are true when you sing karaoke that badly and they still love you the next day!!! lol All of us had a great time. New Years was spent getting ready for our Passion guests and then we went to dollar theatre to see the reboot of "Footloose" which I-not at all grudgingly-have to admit I liked!
I must confess that it is entirely possible that if friends of ours hadn't bought and delivered a Christmas tree to my front door (this is almost literal, they left it in garage), we might not even have decorated a tree this year! But since they did, we couldn't just let the poor thing go to waste, so...
New Years Eve was a reminder that my kids are growing up. We actually weren't together for NYE. Bree and Trey went on double date with their boyfriend/girlfriend and a few other friends to Dixie Land Fun Park and I hung out with adults! You know your friends are true when you sing karaoke that badly and they still love you the next day!!! lol All of us had a great time. New Years was spent getting ready for our Passion guests and then we went to dollar theatre to see the reboot of "Footloose" which I-not at all grudgingly-have to admit I liked!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Can I confess something?
Course I can...it's my blog (and by the way, thanks for reading!)
I struggle with being "enough"
Specifically with being "good enough"
No where is that more evident than in my parenting. It's a reality that I'm not "enough" in this situation. I'm not enough to be a Mom and a Dad. I never have enough money, enough time, enough energy, enough patience, enough insight, enough of whatever it would take to fix all of my children's problems, strong holds and fears with a wave of my hand.
The worse thing anyone can do is suggest I'm not a good parent. And sometimes, someone might say something and not even realize what they said I translated as "you aren't enough"
It happened recently. Someone I know was offering me the chance to sale this product and while they were talking they made the comment that this would enable me to take better care of my children financially. There it was...I don't take good enough care of my children. It's true...we struggle financially. And we struggle more financially because I choose to work for non-profits than we would if I got a job in a business/corporation or even if I'd kept my job at the State. I've struggled with this before...does my need to have a job I find fulfilling matter more than my ability to provide financially for Embree and Trey? You could make the point (and Bree and Trey have, so you know) that because I love what I do, because it makes such an impact, then I am happier and thus a better person and parent. You could point out that God has always met our needs. But I've wrestled with the question and now, here someone was, pointing it out. We live paycheck to paycheck because of my choice.
Christmas Eve we are at church and there is video. It's a father and son talking about giving. The son says to the father "It's not often a guy can say the most generous guy he knows is his dad" Bree and Trey look at me and my first thing is "they are thinking of their dad". I immediately went into guilt mode. But I was wrong. They were thinking of me. They were thinking their Mom was the most generous person they know. They were proud of me. To them, I am a good Mom. I'm enough.
Course I can...it's my blog (and by the way, thanks for reading!)
I struggle with being "enough"
Specifically with being "good enough"
No where is that more evident than in my parenting. It's a reality that I'm not "enough" in this situation. I'm not enough to be a Mom and a Dad. I never have enough money, enough time, enough energy, enough patience, enough insight, enough of whatever it would take to fix all of my children's problems, strong holds and fears with a wave of my hand.
The worse thing anyone can do is suggest I'm not a good parent. And sometimes, someone might say something and not even realize what they said I translated as "you aren't enough"
It happened recently. Someone I know was offering me the chance to sale this product and while they were talking they made the comment that this would enable me to take better care of my children financially. There it was...I don't take good enough care of my children. It's true...we struggle financially. And we struggle more financially because I choose to work for non-profits than we would if I got a job in a business/corporation or even if I'd kept my job at the State. I've struggled with this before...does my need to have a job I find fulfilling matter more than my ability to provide financially for Embree and Trey? You could make the point (and Bree and Trey have, so you know) that because I love what I do, because it makes such an impact, then I am happier and thus a better person and parent. You could point out that God has always met our needs. But I've wrestled with the question and now, here someone was, pointing it out. We live paycheck to paycheck because of my choice.
Christmas Eve we are at church and there is video. It's a father and son talking about giving. The son says to the father "It's not often a guy can say the most generous guy he knows is his dad" Bree and Trey look at me and my first thing is "they are thinking of their dad". I immediately went into guilt mode. But I was wrong. They were thinking of me. They were thinking their Mom was the most generous person they know. They were proud of me. To them, I am a good Mom. I'm enough.
Freedom Climb
You can read more about the climb, the climbers, and the projects that will be funded on the website: http://thefreedomclimb.net/
I'm so privileged to know several of the climbers and several of the members of the prayer team who will be at the foot of the mountain. I'd love to encourage you to support them in prayer as well. You can choose a project to give to or buy Freedom Climb merchandise on the website. You can also "like" Freedom Climb on Facebook and/or follow them on Twitter.
Help OM be a voice for those who aren't allowed to use theirs!
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